Not the Mama!
by ArtemisApollo97
Summary: Percy hasn't really babysat his nephew before and didn't quite realise what it would entail...


**I've been trying to write various chapters the last few nights, but I just keep scrapping them, I'm not happy with anything I write, so I guess it's one-shots time to get me back into the swing of things. Based on a childhood show ^_^**

 **I own nothing, but my OCs, blah blah blah**

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"Lou, he'll be fine." Percy smiled. Louisa made to speak and he shook his head disbelievingly. "If we can handle Elsie and Kia, I think we can handle Charlie. Go on, go. Leo's waiting."

"But-" Louisa hesitated. Charlie was balanced on his uncle's hip, nearly two years old. He smiled at his mother and waved clumsily. "Any problems, with any of them-"

"I'll ring you, promise." Percy offered his little finger and Louisa accepted it, glaring at him warningly. Percy knew if he broke this pinkie promise, she would break all his fingers. Percy shooed her away, before she could actually annihilate his hands, and shut the door. His nieces were already terrorising their cousins and Charlie looked ready to join them, wiggling to get down. Percy considered his options for a second- Leo's car had already pulled away and Annabeth would be back in a bit- putting Charlie down couldn't do any harm, couldn't be any worse than his sisters, surely?

Three seconds later, Percy realised he was so, so, _so_ wrong. Apparently Charlie's fire was a lot stronger than his parents ever let on. His cousins and sisters disappeared when the table went up in smoke; Charlie sat in the smouldering remains, giggling and clapping happily. Percy turned the fire extinguisher on him. Leo had brought it over two days ago and thank the gods he had. At the time, Percy had been confused, he wasn't expecting _this_ from his tiny, elfishly cute nephew.

Charlie tipped his head to one side and smiled sweetly. "No." Percy said firmly, setting the extinguisher down. "You've burnt the table." Charlie's hands shot to his hair and he blew a raspberry. "Annabeth's going to kill me." Percy sighed. He heard a door creak open. Tobias appeared at the top of the stairs, half-amused, half-confused.

"Is it safe?" He spotted the table and winced. "Mom's gonna kill you."

"You don't think I know that?"

"Dad, I could write a book on stuff you don't know." Tobias shrugged. Sage appeared and punched him in the leg.

" _I_ could write a _series_ on stuff _you_ don't know." She defied, chin up smugly.

"You're four, what do you know?"

"More than you, obviously."

"Damn." Max smirked, popping up at Tobias's shoulder. "Well said, Sage, well said." He patted his sister on the head and brushed past Tobias. Percy looked back at Charlie, wondering where he could get a table quickly and a table that wouldn't raise suspicion.

"What are we going to do with you, mm?"

"Food!" Charlie requested, patting his tummy. Percy simply nodded and told the toddler to wait there, returning a minute later with oven mitts. He picked Charlie up and carried him through to the kitchen, sitting him on the island. He quickly shook the mitts off, lay them down side by side and hurriedly sat Charlie on them.

"Stay." He ordered. Charlie blinked at him. "Stay." Percy repeated firmly. "If you want food, stay."

"Stay." Charlie agreed, nodding seriously, eyes like his mother's big and innocent. Percy cast a sceptical look over the toddler and then set about raiding the fridge. Leo and Louisa had packed their kids some meals. Charlie had some stew, chunks of vegetables floating about. Percy heated it up in the microwave, keeping a careful eye on the boy the whole time. He barely turned his back when the machine dinged.

"Right." Percy said, stirring the steaming meal with Charlie's red spoon. "Here we g- what are you doing?" Charlie shook his head, lips pressed tightly together. "Charlie, you asked for food, what-? How about a train, do you want a train?"

"No!"

"Plane? Boat? Dragon?"

"No, no, no!"

"Charlie, come on-" Percy despaired, resting his elbows on the surface and sighing dejectedly. "Why? I'm trying to feed you-"

"What in the name of all things holy happened to the table?"

"-and Annabeth's home. Wise Girl!" Percy grinned sheepishly as his wife burst in. "Funny story, you're going to love it…"

"No, I'm not!" She fumed, calming slightly when she saw Charlie. "What's he doing?"

"He wanted food, now he doesn't want food, he doesn't want a train or plane or boat or dragon, he's only been here five minutes, _literally_ , and I've got a headache." Annabeth pouted mockingly, taking the bowl and spoon from him.

"Charlie, sweetie, eat your lunch for Aunty Beth, yeah?"

"No!"

"Do you not want your food?"

"Yes!"

"Then here," Annabeth offered the spoon, "here's food."

"No!" Charlie kicked his feet in protest, wiggling on his oven-mitt-seating. Annabeth raised a brow at Percy for this obscure cushioning. "Not the mama!" Charlie shook his head and made a face at the spoon.

"Ah." Percy startled violently and scurried away. Elsie grinned wickedly. "Yeah, he doesn't even like Dad feeding him. Has to be Mom."

"And she didn't tell us this because-?"

"Not the mama!" Charlie grabbed the spoon, spilling its contents over his shin. He brandished the spoon in his left hand, "Not the mama, not the mama, not the mama!" Flames danced in his curls and Percy rushed to retrieve the fire extinguisher.

"I feel like Kari." He muttered, aiming the nozzle at his nephew again. "You know, from Jack-Jack Attack? That baby spontaneously combusted too."

"Not the mama!" The spoon bounced off Percy's forehead and everyone froze. Elsie gained a wicked giggle a second later, clapping and calling for her sister. Annabeth set the bowl down on the side counter and folded her arms.

"Charlie-" She began.

"Not the mama, not the mama!" Charlie covered his ears with his hands. "Not the mama, not the mama, not the mama!"

"I'm the uncle!" Percy insisted, coming to his senses. "Come on, Charlie, I'm your favourite uncle, cut us a break."

"Not the mama, not the mama!" Charlie sniffled and the freeze washed over them again. Elsie and Alokia managed to scramble up onto the island and squished their brother in a hug. "Want Mama!" Charlie wailed.

"Mama will be back soon." Elsie promised. "She's out with _Padre_ , they're having dinner."

"But- want- Mama!" Charlie said between gasping breaths. "Want Mama now, Mama!" He called. "Mama!" Annabeth whipped out her phone and pressed two on speed-dial.

"Charlie!" She called. "Charlie, look! Mama's on the phone for you, see?" She held the device to his ear and he fell quiet upon hearing his mama's voice. Elsie and Alokia clambered down with their uncle's help, watching carefully. Charlie mumbled a couple of times, nodding and shaking his head. He pushed on Annabeth's hand when Louisa wanted to talk to her. "Percy said he was alright after you left."

"Burnt the table though." Percy grumbled. Annabeth relayed this and they could hear Louisa cackling on the other end, Leo's laughter soon joining. Percy took the phone. "He wanted food, so I heated up that stew stuff, but apparently he doesn't want it unless you're feeding him, which would have been nice to know when you were dithering on the doorstep. And what's this _not the mama, not the mama_?"

"Oh, he does that a lot- yeah, not the mama," Louisa said to Leo, "don't know where he got it from, but it's literally his catchphrase."

"Little mama's boy, that's what he is."

"'N' you ain't?" Louisa challenged. Percy hummed. "Hold on a sec." Louisa told him, covering the mouthpiece with her hand. Percy could hear muted conversation and then she was back a moment later. "We'll come 'n' get him. Are the little madams OK?"

"You two OK?" Percy asked, looking down at his nieces.

"We're better than OK." Elsie retorted. "We're amazing."

"They're amazing." Percy repeated flatly to his twin.

"Do they wanna stay or come home?" Louisa sounded oddly proud. Percy asked. The girls had a quick, whispered conversation and then decided to stay- it wasn't every day they got to terrorise their cousins without their parents shooting them pointed looks. "Give us five minutes, we'll be there."

"With a new table?"

"Pfft, no. Destroyin' tables is a family business, ain't ever gonna replace 'em. Ciao." Louisa hung up, sighing. "Sorry, Leo."

"Hey, it's alright." Leo smiled reassuringly. "Maybe next time." Louisa started to speak. Leo reached over and squeezed her hand. "You know what he's like, chica. He's not used to the separation yet."

"I know, I know." Louisa huffed. "I was lookin' forward ta dinner though."

"Eh, it was only burger and chips. I'm not that rich."

"Charlie will be OK, right?"

"Of course he will."

"I like havin' him around, but I don't want him growin' up ta rely on me too much, he needs to be his own person too."

"And he will be." Leo promised. "He's got the Valdez charm."

"That's got nothin' ta do with it."

"Lies." Leo stuck his tongue out. Louisa laced their fingers and they sat in silence for the next few minutes. Louisa was out first, jumping out before Leo had officially rolled to a stop. Percy was waiting on the doorstep, holding his nephew at arm's length, wearing oven mitts and being hit by a plastic red spoon- "Not the mama, not the mama, not the- Mama!" Charlie beamed. The spoon clattered to the floor and bounced down the steps. He wiggled excitedly, "Mama, Mama, Mama!"

"Hey, my lil' monster, ya miss me?"

"Mama!" Charlie launched himself into his mother's arms, locking his limbs around her. "Mama, Mama, Mama!" He chanted. " _Padre_!" He called, seeing his father a few feet away. "Mama, _Padre_ , Mama, _Padre_! Mama!" Charlie leant back and looked Louisa in the eyes. "Mama, hungry!"

"Aww, did they not feed ya?"

"No!"

"Excuse me, you little-" Percy began.

"Finish that sentence 'n' that spoon is goin' somewhere the sun don't shine." Louisa warned hotly. Percy fumed silently.

"Tried feeding him. Burnt the table, threw the spoon at my head-"

"Ah!" Charlie protested. "He _whoosh_!"

"Whoosh?" Leo puzzled. He pushed his hand through his son's identical curls. "Oooh, you _did_ use the fire extinguisher."

"No…"

"You _what_?" Louisa demanded. Percy smiled sheepishly. "Leo, hold him a second." Leo caught Charlie and then the twins disappeared. Annabeth yelled a second later and there were shouts of encouragement from the kids. Leo followed cautiously, Charlie on his hip. Louisa was adding 'death-by-oven-mitt' to her kill list.

"See the trouble you cause?" Leo jostled Charlie playfully, gaining an angelic smile in return. "Valdez charm." Leo nodded. "Always the way."

* * *

 **I know in other stories the Valdez kids just call Leo 'Dad', but I've decided he is now '** _ **Padre**_ **', so we have 'Mama' and '** _ **Padre**_ **' and I quite like it ^_^**


End file.
